Torchwood Series 1 – 4 Review – This Show Was Really Funny

This probably won’t mean a lot to American readers… or maybe it will. You like Doctor Who in America, right? Well, I don’t think anyone really ‘likes’ Doctor Who anymore. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I’ve avoided doing a review of the recent series of Doctor Who because I haven’t seen all of it but the bits that I have seen were appallingly bad. I think Jodie Whittaker was a terrible choice to play the Doctor, she just doesn’t have that ‘quirky’ quality needed to play the role and there are too many companions and the writing has gone way downhill. The other reason is that when someone says all of the above, people don’t take too kindly to it and get accused of being sexist. Well, I’m a chick and I think Jodie Whittaker is bad as the Doctor. Grieving mothers, she’s got that down. The Doctor? Not so much.

Anyway, we’re venturing back to when ‘Doctor Who’ was good, the ‘Christopher Eccleston’ era to be precise. In the episode ‘The Empty Child’, a new character was introduced. His name was Captain Jack Harkness and he was played by John Barrowman. He was campy and a little bit dirty and loads of fun, so much so that when his character was resurrected by Rose in the series finale, he got his own spin off called ‘Torchwood’.

‘Torchwood’ is an interesting study because although it’s set in the ‘Doctor Who’ universe, the tone is a million miles from Doctor Who and just one step above ‘Panto’. It’s full of swearing and profanity and kind of raises the question as to why this came to be apart from money.

The organization of Torchwood is a secret although as we later find out, not a very well kept one. The employees of Torchwood are tasked with gathering intelligence on Aliens and scavenging things that fall through the ‘Rift’ which is a tear of some kind in time and space which runs through Central Cardiff.

Everyone with me so far?

The Cardiff branch of Torchwood is run by Captain Jack who made it back from space in the future to Earth in present day and when I say, ‘present day’, I mean 2006 because that’s when the first series takes place.

You know how the Doctor was the person who knew everything about Aliens and the companion was the audience’s view into that world? So, when the Doctor explains something weird to the companion, they’re really explaining it to the audience? Well, for ‘Torchwood’, that person is Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles). Eve Myles also appeared as Gwyneth in the first series of Doctor Who so presumably, she was offered the role of ‘Gwen’ not long after she appeared in Doctor Who.

Anyway.

Gwen is a PC in Cardiff and is called to the scene of a stabbing where Torchwood show up and demonstrate bring the victim back to life for just over a minute using a strange device. From then on, Gwen is obsessed with finding out about Torchwood or more importantly, the gorgeous guy in the long, military coat.

She tracks down Torchwood to the Cardiff Bay and she’s invited in with open arms. Let me tell you now as we find out later, Torchwood is the worst kept secret in all of Cardiff.

That’s a point. This article is probably going to enrage a lot of Doctor Who fans but I don’t give a shit at this point. Who knows why they kept this organization a secret anyway? Throughout the whole series of Doctor Who, both old and new, the whole world is now aware of the existence of alien beings. Wouldn’t the public feel better if they knew there were a few teams around the world that was dedicated to sorting this stuff out, apart from U.N.I.T. although apparently U.N.I.T. isn’t a thing anymore and it was something that got firebombed in this recent series of Doctor Who. This organization is meant to be secret but by Series Two, it’s clear that the public know about Torchwood. Also, if you’re trying to remain inconspicuous when arriving at a crime scene, it’s probably best not to have TORCHWOOD written across your car.

Gwen is introduced to the team; Dr Owen Harper (Burn Gorman), Toshiko Sato (Naoki Mori), Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd) and Suzie Costello (Indira Varma).

Afterwards, having learned that Aliens are real, Gwen is drugged with an amnesia pill by Jack which is already questionable. It’s supposed the Torchwood’s version of the device in Men in Black which makes people forget about Aliens and the Men in Black. However, the light sort of made sense but a pill is less believable. Jack explains that the pill makes the person forget everything about Torchwood but how does it do that exactly? Maybe if it erased the last 24 hours of the person’s memory but when Owen is fired later in the series, he says that sooner or later, he will be drugged and he won’t remember Torchwood. But he’s worked for Torchwood for years. Again, confusing.

Back to the plot. Long story short, Suzie is evil and killed all the victims that she used to glove on for some reason or another, something to do with bringing people back from the dead for good. She shoots Jack in the head but Jack can’t die so Suzie shoots herself in the head and Jack gives Gwen her job even though she’s shown no prowess in either doing her job as a PC or in catching Aliens. Jack’s got a really lousy hiring program.

As far as I can see, everyone else serves a purpose at Torchwood. Owen is the doctor, Tosh is the tech expert and Ianto cleans. Jack’s obviously the boss but what’s Gwen? She the audience’s eyes. That’s literally it.

It might sound like I really don’t like Gwen… and you’d be right to think that because I really don’t. She gets a lot better in the later series but in the first series, she’s absolutely insufferable.

And also, utterly useless but Jack doesn’t seem to mind because he spends some very special moments in the first few episodes giving the impression that he wants to bang her.

Let’s not forget that on her first day, she let an alien loose from a bit of space rock because she was dicking around and throwing chisels at people. That alien went on to possess a young girl who porked her way through a number of victims. All those men are dead because of her. So, tell me, Jack. Why is that not a sackable offense in the Torchwood handbook?

In the first couple of episodes, Gwen struggles with the secrecy of her job and lying to her boyfriend, Rhys (Kai Owen) so Gwen thinks the best course of action is to sleep with Owen a couple of times. Eventually, the guilt gets to be too much for her and so she decides to confess her dirty secret to Rhys and then drug him with the amnesia pill so she can get it off her chest but he won’t remember. It’s so infuriating to watch because before he passes out, she tries to get him to forgive her and again, the amnesia pill is called into question. If, somehow, Jack managed to engineer a pill that could remove all references of Torchwood from someone’s brain, how is Gwen using it to make Rhys forget that she’s been a dirty girl? I don’t know.

Also, why is stealing a drug that is not meant to be taken off the premises not a sackable offense in the Torchwood handbook, Jack?

What about Ianto? No one really knows what Ianto does. I’ve found a good analogy. If Torchwood were a functioning office, Ianto would be the receptionist. He’s not an active participant in the day to day activities of Torchwood but he answers the phones and gets the coffee. That’s Ianto. His episode is early on in the series and connects to the end of the second series of Doctor Who. Ianto’s girlfriend, Lisa worked at the Torchwood office at Canary Wharf and was partially transformed into a Cyberman by the Cybermen as they battled the Daleks. Ianto keeps Lisa in the basement of Torchwood and uses the base’s power to keep her alive. He invites a doctor (not that one) around to the base whilst the others are out to see if he can reverse the process and make the partial Cyberwoman into his girlfriend again but she kills the doctor and goes completely bananas. The rest of the group find out about the girlfriend and plot to kill her whilst Ianto tries to reason with her. Long story short, Lisa does to quickest brain transplant ever into a pizza delivery girl and the rest of the team kills her. But this episode could be marked as the start of the Jack/Ianto relationship. Ianto is knocked unconscious by Lisa and Jack is killed by her but he can’t die so when he comes back, he goes over to Ianto and to rouse him out of his state of unconsciousness, he kisses him. First of all, Jack, mouth to mouth doesn’t involve tongue and second, he’s unconscious! The morality of this revival is a little bit wavering.

Long story short, Ianto is really salty at the team, especially Jack for killing his girlfriend Jack and Ianto start a sexual relationship a few episodes later.

Let’s move on to Toshiko. I really like Toshiko, she’s so sweet and I think she may be my favourite character.  Her solitary episode involves the team investigating a skeleton that has been dug up along with an unusual device. The alien to which this device belongs to gives Tosh a pendant that allows her to read people’s minds. She uses this pendant to spy on her colleagues during which time, she discovers Owen and Gwen’s relationship and that Ianto is mega depressed whilst she doesn’t get anything from Jack. In this episode, it’s confirmed that Tosh has a crush on Owen and she’s devastated when she discovers Owen is having sex with Gwen. There’s an altercation between Tosh, Owen and Gwen before she gets the pendant where she Owen accidentally kicked the plug out of Tosh’s computer as it was running a translation or something of course Tosh is pissed because she’s an adult and takes her work seriously whilst Gwen grins like a fucking teenager and Owen reacts with all the maturity that you’d expect from someone with a boat load of overconfidence, he puts Tosh down to make himself feel better.

After Tosh gets the pendant, the thoughts of Gwen and Owen reveal to her that they pity her and that pushes her over the edge. In the end, the alien takes Tosh hostage in the base and Tosh has to listen to the thoughts of her friends and hear her crush not want any harm to come to Gwen over Tosh and Jack kills the alien.

Now, Owen. Owen is a doctor and a womanizer and a bit of a bizarre character. He seems to have a moral compass that can point in any given direction at any moment. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with using a special alien spray to coerce both a man and woman to have sex with or sleeping with Gwen even though she has a boyfriend or killing Jack for standing in his way but he’s also willing to avenge the death of a woman he never met who was murdered in the 60’s by killing the man who killed her.

A significant shift in Owen’s personality in episode 10 entitled ‘Out of Time’. This episode is about a plane from the 1950’s coming through the rift and arriving in the present. There’s a woman; Diane, a young girl, Emma and a middle-aged man, John. It’s weird because these three people were on a plane together and yet they are not related and don’t seem to know each other.

Anyway, Owen has sex with Diane and feels like he’s falling in love with her rather than his standard setting which is horny. Owen is thus devastated when Diane decides to fly her plane and possibly go through the rift and end up anywhere.

In the every next episode, Owen is tasked with investigating an underground fight club that uses Weevil’s and at the end, Owen locks himself in a cage with one and his viciously mauled presumably with the intent of killing himself but the Weevil is stopped before it can kill him.

Let’s get back onto sackable offenses and how wavering that line is. Owen is sacked from Torchwood for activating the Rift so Jack and Toshiko could be retrieved from the past. The action of activating the Rift caused time to start spilling through into the present and causing a whole load of weird shit to happen so he was sacked. That seems fair enough but when Owen comes back, bear in mind that he’s only back in the building. The staff don’t seem to be given any unique code in this top secret facility so if one of them is fired, they can easily get back in if they haven’t been retconned and that’s exactly what Owen does. Owen, Toshiko, Ianto and Gwen revolt against Jack so they can open the rift and get back their loved ones but when Jack stands in their way, Owen shoots Jack in the head.

In the finale, after a whole load of nonsense, the big bad is revealed, Abaddon. Big Boy feeds on life and anyone caught in his shadow dies so Jack is his ultimate adversary since Jack can’t die. Jack is caught in his shadow and Abaddon dies of too much life or something, but everyone thinks that Jack is dead. Gwen isn’t convinced and even though everyone watched Owen shoot Jack in the head and then equally watched him come back to life, everyone else is convinced that he’s dead.

When Jack comes back, all is forgiven. Almost fucking the world, sacked; shooting your boss in the head, a hug and a kiss. What kind of backward ass universe is this?

Jack had to come back because he’s needed for the Doctor Who Series 3 Finale. Remember when the Doctor had his hand cut off by the alien dude in the 2005 Christmas Special? Well, Jack has the hand and when it starts glowing, it means that the TARDIS is coming. The Torchwood team is confused when Jack disappears.

The funny thing is, it’s assumed that Jack immediately left to catch the TARDIS but in the Doctor Who episode, Jack is shown running towards the TARDIS with a backpack on his back. Where did he get that from? Does he have an emergency pack in case the Doctor returns? Actually, that’s pretty plausible. Moving on.

Series Two is pretty boring. It’s basically Series One but we know the characters.

Big things do happen but only from the mid-point onwards. I suppose one of the big things that happen is that Martha Jones appears for a few episodes. And Owen dies. Twice. The first time, he gets shot in the chest and dies but Jack revives him accidentally permanently with the other resurrection glove. The first one was destroyed after Gwen used it to revive Suzy and the connection remained so Gwen was being shot in the head very slowly whilst Suzy was stealing her life. Keep that in mind. It’s assumed that the glove worked permanently on Owen because the glove is different from the first one but no one wanted bring up the possibility that because Jack resurrected him and he’s immortal, then Owen’s permanent revival is because of that.

Owen’s immortality is not the same as Jack’s immortality. First, any injuries that Owen sustains will not heal so he has to be super careful and yet he’s sent into the field anyway. Also, he will not age but his body doesn’t have any functions. He can no longer have sex or eat food or have any pleasure at all, but he also feels no pain. So, it’s a mixed bag. Not really, I can only imagine that would totally suck.

The next thing is the season finale. I can’t remember a great deal of it but it’s something to do with Jack’s brother who’s gone crazy and causes a load of crazy shit to happen and buries Jack somewhere so Jack has to wait for a while and then unbury himself but the big thing that happens is that both Toshiko and Owen die, permanently.

Tosh is shot in the stomach by Jack’s brother and Owen is trapped in the basement of a nuclear facility that’s about to be flooded with nuclear waste. What is really sad and makes me cry every time is the final conversation between Owen and Tosh. The two had sort of acknowledged that they liked each other and arranged to go on a date and Owen should have thought himself lucky because I think Tosh would have been the only person who didn’t care that he was dead.

There’s also a bit of continuity with Doctor Who. People with long memories will recall that Naoki Mori was in an episode of the first series of Doctor Who with Christopher Eccleston. I can’t remember what the episode is called but it’s the one where the Slytheen spaceship crashes into Big Ben and there’s a modified pig inside. The doctor examining the pig was Naoki Mori and when she’s talking to Owen, they reminisce about that. Apparently, Owen was hungover and so Tosh took over for him.

Anyway, the basement of the nuclear power station is on lockdown with Owen trapped inside. The door cannot be opened, and the basement is about to be flooded with nuclear material and so Owen can look forward to watching his body slowly decompose. He won’t feel any pain, but it does mean that he is going to die for good this time.

Afterwards, Tosh is found by Jack, Gwen, Ianto and Captain John Hart (James Marsters) moments before she dies presumably from blood loss. She does do the cliché thing of leaving behind a tape, the old ‘if you’re watching this then I’m dead’ tape but it is sad and a nice farewell to one of the best characters in the series.

Now we’re stuck with Jack, Gwen and Ianto.

Series three isn’t really series three but a special miniseries of just five episodes called ‘Children of Earth’. This one is actually quite good.

It obviously centres around children and an alien species that can communicate through children. Jack and a few others had dealings with these aliens back in the old times and now in current times (and when I say ‘current times’, I mean 2009), those people are being killed, including Jack… kind of.

Now we really know how much of a joke Torchwood is at this point because Jack kept his immortality a secret from his team for the longest time for no reason but now everyone seems to know of his immortality, including the people who want him dead which is unfortunate.

In fairness, the way that the ‘tough talking, no nonsense, strong independent woman’ lady plots to kill the whole Torchwood team in pretty creative. She kills Jack, plants a bomb in his stomach, waits for him to revive and wait further for him to go back to the Hub and then set the bomb off. Then, collect the pieces and lock them in separate boxes. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you putting all the pieces in the same body bag? You know they’re going to come back together. But we do get to see John Barrowman naked. Well, as naked as you can be on BBC Three which basically means naked on a CCTV monitor and his unmentionables are strategically covered by someone’s head. But we do get a very nice shot of his bottom later on.

Hang on.

Why didn’t Jack realise that something was wrong before he accidentally found out about the bomb. Wouldn’t he have felt unusually full? He did have enough explosives inside him to blow up the Hub. Anyway, Torchwood is destroyed, and the team are on the run.

We also discover that Jack has a daughter which is something that has never been mentioned and will only briefly be mentioned in the next series but he also has a grandson, Stephen and the main reason they are here is not to add anything to Jacks character but because they are both related to the plot later on.

So these aliens who are dubbed the ‘456’ alert the world that they are ’coming’ through the children which is a very suspicious sentence now that I read it back so allow me to rephrase it. The 456 are speaking through the children and tell the World that they will be arriving on Earth for an unknown reason but when they do arrive, it’s pandemonium.

The man chosen to correspond with the 456 is John Frobisher who is played by Peter Capaldi. I adore Peter Capaldi, he’s a great actor with an amazing sense of humor and anyone who’s seen ‘The Thick of It’ will agree with me and he is also a future doctor. Well, he was to be a future Doctor when this came out and now he’s a past Doctor. It’s a shame that Peter Capaldi wanted to be the Doctor for years and he managed to get the opportunity during some of the most obnoxious companions and the shittiest stories. It’s obvious that Peter Capaldi has a great sense of humor because he’s appearing in Torchwood which is nothing short of a comedy at this point.

Moving on.

The 456 are in town and demand that the world give them 10% of all the child population of the planet. Bear in mind that’s 10% of all the children. Not all the children. Only 10%. As someone who is vehemently opposed to children, having less of them around doesn’t seem like a bad idea. I’m not hating this so far. If they don’t get the kids, they’ll kill the world with a deadly toxin. Guys, you don’t need to sell this any further.

There’s a funny bit where the 456 start making the children say numbers and the numbers are different for each country. For Britain, the numbers are 3 2 5 0 0 0 and can I just point out the strange phenomenon that all the numbers seem to be a nice, round number. Where are the 456 getting their statistics on the number of children in Britain. The NHS database? I wouldn’t trust that, it’s been hacked a few times. I think we can assume that those numbers are not exactly 10% but the really funny bit is that in the same news report that’s reporting on the children, some smart cookie has figured out the numbers correspond with 10% of the child population. Really? All you’ve got to work with is a set of numbers which could mean literally anything and you got it that quick? Well yeh, there are only five episodes in this series.

What else happens? Ianto dies.

I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t as devastating as when Owen and Toshiko died because I liked Toshiko and I’m not sure what Ianto’s role was exactly. He got a few more funny lines in the last series when he got upgraded from ‘Butler’ to Jack’s boyfriend but yeh, that’s kind of all he was. He was Jack’s boyfriend when he wasn’t being the ‘tea-boy’. I’m not saying it didn’t suck.

Jack doesn’t seem that sad either. Through the last few episodes, Ianto is trying to get Jack to express some emotion and actually acknowledge their relationship but Jack is apprehensive because of course he would be. Ianto isn’t the only person to be the Captain’s first mate and because Jack’s immortal, he knows that Ianto is going to die one day and Jack will move on. Well, that day is closer than you think.

The Government are preparing to give the 456 the kids and they’ve actually been really smart and strategic about it. They figure out that if they’re going to give the 456 a load of kids then they might as well give them the stupid ones. The ones that won’t amount to anything or help society in anyway. The ones whose jobs will be done by robots in 15-20 years anyway so, who cares? Oh yeh, Torchwood cares.

Unfortunately, since Ianto makes loads of money working for Torchwood, his little sister lives on a council estate with her husband and two kids. The Governments plan is so put out a statement to say that parents are to bring their children to school as they will be given a vaccination to stop them speaking in unison even though anyone with an ounce of brain power knows that’s not how it works. Once the kids arrive, the military will take the kids on a bus to the designated location and that’s that. It will look like the 456 double-crossed them and that would stop a civilian revolt. It’s obviously never going to work because people will be wondering where the military are taking their kids without any supervision from the teachers or even to be allowed to accompany their children. Usually, any vaccinations are done only with permission from the parents.

However, there’s a catch and it’s the dumbest catch ever. It’s obvious by now that the Prime Minister is a huge dick and just to prove that he’s a huge dick, he calls Frobisher into his office and orders Frobisher to publicly put his two daughters forward for the ‘vaccination’ to encourage other parents to put their kids forward to. Frobisher thinks this is a ruse and really, his kids aren’t going anywhere for the PM is a huge dick and actually wants to give his kids to the 456.

Here’s my question. Why would you tell someone to give up their kids to a bunch of aliens who are going to drain them for chemicals and they have no choice in the matter? Why would you assume that Frobisher will just do it out of loyalty to his boss? I fucking wouldn’t. Fuck that guy, he’s a huge dick. Of course, Frobisher doesn’t want to give his kids up and threatens to expose the Government’s plan but that doesn’t work so Frobisher’s next move is to murder his entire family and then himself. Frobisher should have held out a little bit, just to see what Jack was going to do. It’s not over until the toxin sets in. Or, if the government was going to give the kids to the aliens anyway, why not just take your family and run? After the 456 take the kids and the world is in pandemonium, I’m not sure the government will be coming after you. OR. You could help Torchwood. Nope, straight to the murder-suicide. So uncool.

The ultimate resolution is that Jack uses his own grandson to send a killing signal to the 456 and it works, the 456 leave but the power of the signal kills Jack’s grandson. Honesty? If Ianto’s death wasn’t that sad, then this death really wasn’t sad. We’ve never seen this kid before, neither he nor his mother have been established and sooo, why do we give a shit? I need some emotional involvement in the characters before I care about the deaths in my programs. That’s why I thought Andrea’s death in ‘The Walking Dead’ was funny. Because I hated her character. BUT, I also hated Lori but when she died, she sacrificed herself to save her baby which was more selflessness than she’s ever shown in the whole series and I respected her for that so her death was a little bit sad.

So yeh, uneventful. Did I mention Gwen is pregnant? Well she is and the series ends with her and Rhys meeting Jack six months later and he’s going up into space to escape his grief. His departure and the destruction of the base means the end of Torchwood.

Or does it?

No, because two years later, another series is brought out. ‘Torchwood: Miracle Day’.

The premise for this one is actually quite interesting. Well done, Torchwood. The plot this time is that world discovers that out of nowhere, no one can die and the series follows the world’s reaction to that, how they deal with the ever growing population and the possible ramifications of that whilst the Torchwood team fart around in the background with no equipment, no base and no clue what’s happening but somehow, they win the day. Classic Torchwood.

On the positive side, there’s Rex Matheson (Mekhi Phifer). He’s amazing. He’s a CIA agent and a hardened one at that. He’s involved in a car accident and gets a metal pole through his chest but luckily for him, this happened on the day of the Miracle and he’s spared death albeit still being severely injured. When the world starts to become aware of the miracle, Torchwood’s name starts being mentioned so Rex begins to track down the members which brings us to Gwen.

Gwen has given birth to a baby girl, Anwen and is living with Rhys is some kind of ‘witness protection’ in the Welsh Countryside. I find it funny that she and Rhys are in hiding yet they really don’t need to be. I didn’t see that they were given new identities and the only reason people would be tracking them is that she’s a part of Torchwood but Torchwood has been disbanded for ages. What’s even funnier is that they are in hiding and no one is supposed to know where they are and yet, Rex finds them with practically no effort.

Then, there’s Bill Pullman’s character, Oswald Danes. When we first see him, Oswald is being executed because he was found guilty of raping and murdering a little girl but the Miracle saves him and over the course of the series, the general public seem to forget that he was on Death Row for this terrible crime and he becomes… a motivational speaker? I don’t know but whatever he is, the people look to him for answers about the Miracle. There’s one bit where Oswald enters a centre where they’re keeping sick people and he picks up a baby and people are fine with that. You do know what he was in prison for, right?

I mentioned that this series is interesting and it is. It goes into detail as to how the fact that people can’t die really affects the planet. This isn’t like Jack’s immortality where he easily heals from injuries and never ages but rather people still get older and just continue to have life signs. A good example is when Jack is attending a ‘vivisection’ on a person who blew himself, so there’s not a lot left. However, he still shows cognitive response even after the doctor detaches his head. So, what do you do with these people? Good question.

Since people can’t die, doctors still have a duty of care to them and there’s no such thing as murder anymore. More and more people are being born and no one is dying so food shortages become widespread and just like with the last series, the Government tries to make the best of a bad situation and Torchwood just doesn’t see it like that.

Their method is ‘Categories’. Category Three means healthy, alive people; Category Two is people with severe injuries but will still make a recovery and Category One is clinically dead with no hope of recovery.

So, the government has a responsibility to all the alive people and all the dead people are posing a problem so what can we do with all the dead people? What do you do with dead people? Cremation. In ovens. It’s just in this case, it’s on a more ‘industrial’ scale. OK, so it’s not the nicest way of dealing with this problem but let’s be fair, Torchwood, I don’t see you guys coming up with any ideas. ‘People don’t fit categories’, well maybe not but again, this is an unusual situation and whilst it sucks, any better suggestions are not being put forward and the argument for burning dead/alive people is way more than the argument against. You want to prove that these people are alive? Let’s take it to a tribunal, all the while, the planet is turning to shit with food shortages and people with infectious diseases soak up all the medicine even though they’ll never get better and probably just end up infecting others if the global rioting from the equally global recession doesn’t fuck everything up first.

Gwen’s response, ‘I’m going to blow up all your shit’. Yeah, that’s mature. I bet you didn’t check to see if the area was clear. I bet you just hit that button and rode away on that motorbike to look cool whilst in the meantime, who knows how many innocent doctors and nurses you just incinerated. But those people were going along with this so, that’s OK. Whatever, Gwen, you monster.

So, this article has gone on for long enough now, I need to start wrapping it up.

It is revealed that the Miracle was started by a group called the Families who kidnapped and tortured Jack in the 20’s and collected all his blood and fed it into ‘The Blessing’ which is this thing that runs through the planet and resembles a gigantic vagina. Because Jack is immortal, everything got switched and the whole world became immortal but not with Jack’s fast healing or non-aging and Jack became immortal.

To switch it back, Jack and Gwen got to the Blessing in Shanghai whilst Rex and Esther Drummond (Alexa Havins) go to Buenos Aires. Everything gets switched back around and people are now permitted to die including Gwen’s father and Esther who was shot in an effort to get Rex to not stop the Miracle by opening his wound and releasing Jack’s mortal blood into the Blessing that he had transfused into himself earlier.

In the last seconds of the series, Rex is fatally shot by Charlotte Wills (Marina Benedict) who was a mole in the CIA planted by the Families and when everyone thought he was dead, Rex sprang to life, his wounds healing having apparently gained Jack’s immortality by temporarily housing his blood which raises a number of questions.

Which aspect of Jack’s blood does his immortality lie? It can’t be passed on genetically because is daughter aged and his grandson died so, where does it reside? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.

What about the future? Will there be anymore televised adventure featuring the Torchwood team? Even though I’ve spent that last 10 pages of A4 ranting about how it’s a load of bollocks, this show has kept me entertained. However, I doubt there will be anymore. The show is on ‘indefinite hiatus’ which is basically the creator shrugging his shoulders and blowing raspberries.

What a waste of a good comedy. Bright side, we’ve still got ‘Doctor Who’. There are still a few more ways they could fuck it up.

 

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Patient 187

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Video Redux

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